There are lots of good rules in the world: brush your teeth before bed, call your mother on Mother’s Day, don’t eat poisonous mushrooms. And there are some rules that we could probably do better without: stay off the grass, don’t offend anyone, stay in line, eat your vegetables.
I do understand the need for some rules and social etiquette. And ironically, I enjoy etiquette in the old-fashioned sense: having my door opened for me, knowing which fork to use, saying “please” and “thank you”. Traditional chivalry and formal politeness are hot.
Like everyone, I test my boundaries. Sometimes this comes easy to me and other times it doesn’t. The possibility of disapproval, even from strangers, can inhibit my actions — which really irks me because I want to live my life on my own terms, dammit!
On New Year’s Eve, Tom and I went to a dance club in Los Angeles that is particularly to our liking. Although it is just a dance club (and not a sex club) there seem to be no rules pertaining to nudity and alcohol sales. I was scantily-clad with exposed nipples and NO ONE said anything negative to me. Besides the lack of dress code (literally), there were no rules pertaining to photography, dancing style, touching, or anything else that people like to do. And while sexuality and sensuality are embraced, violence is not and I have never ever witnessed any aggression at this club in the years that I have been frequenting it. There goes the whole theory that alcohol mixed with nudity will naturally cause male violence!
A couple of weekends ago, we attended a “poly party”. A poly party is different from BDSM play parties and swinger’s parties in many regards. This particular party had a mix of attendees from different communities and lifestyles. The one thing the party-goers had in common was openness towards sexuality and sensuality. We discussed many of the standard rules of conduct found in sexual communities. Several rules are implicit, especially in the swinger’s lifestyles. Poly and BDSM tend to be more explicit, with each relationship and activity negotiated between all participating members.
So on one hand I enjoy events with few rules, and on the other hand I enjoy events with carefully spelled-out rules.
Confusing, isn’t it? I guess it’s no different than cutting someone off in traffic, but waiting patiently in line at Safeway: different situations, different rules.
I started thinking about my first experience at the clothing-optional retreat mentioned in a previous blog. I recently met a security guard who works there, and I discovered that there is more that meets the eye. The rules are posted about sexual energy (ie “keep your sexual energy out of the pool area”) because a few people had abused their privileges in ways I hadn’t considered. It’s a matter of being so loud that you are disruptive or wanking so close to others that it makes them uncomfortable. However, the same behavior, done discreetly, will cause no problems.
So I learned a lot after reflecting on these various situations. Rules tend to exist for a reason, but there are usually ways around them! So if you’re willing to look deep enough, you can figure out how to bend those rules without too much trouble from “the authorities”. Which, let’s face it, would be kind of hot, too.
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