Love and Life

I’m planning a road trip back home to Southern California this weekend since our campus will be closed on Friday and Monday. I’m trying to squeeze in a visit with as much family and friends as I can in just a couple of days. And, even though we had lost touch with each other, I thought I’d try to contact my ex-girlfriend one more time since I’ll be just a few miles away from her.

We left on good terms, but through the years and distance lost touch with each other. Even after we broke up we stayed friends and would send each other e-mails though eventually those became fewer and farther in between. The last I’d heard from her, she was battling breast cancer again, only this time it had spread to her bones.

So there I was, Sunday morning, looking her up online to see if she’d moved and to see if it would be possible to try to plan a visit. That’s when I found her contact information… in the obituaries. I read and re-read the entry. Could it be the same person? But the spelling of her name and her birth date confirmed it. She had died last April, three days after her 45th birthday.

My heart sunk. I had a moment of shock when I actually though to myself “how should I feel about this right now?” And then my body answered my question, with uncontrollable weeping.

My husband came out to see what was going on. When I told him that I just found out that she had died, he just held me and let me cry. All of the emotions and memories about our relationship flooded me at once; the good and the bad. And with the bad came GUILT.

And this is my point. How are you supposed to cope with the death of someone who was once really close but not a part of your daily life anymore? An ex may still hold a special place in your heart ¾ even though the logical part of you knows it’s over, the emotional part may still be in love with her (and may always be). There are no hallmark cards for “sorry for the loss of your ex-girlfriend”. The feelings are equally awkward; the reason they are exes is because things didn’t work out for a variety of reasons. So, how should I feel?

While I’m still searching for the answer to that, I did realize a few things about myself. One is that I’ve held back my feelings from people because of my fear of rejection and to avoid being hurt. Well, that is no way to live! So I have made a vow to open up more freely with those closest to me, consequences be damned! I also learned that “life is short” and “live life to the fullest” are actually more than just clichés: they are the truth. I’m in my mid-thirties, which means at best, I’ve already spent 1/3 of my days. Whatever I do for the next two-thirds better be meaningful and wonderful. Nobody thinks of they days they sat at home all day and watched TV as ones to re-live if given the chance. I want to create as many re-livable days as I can while I have my health and my life.

One is Silver and the Other’s Gold

I was a little nervous and didn’t really know what to expect. Even though I’ve been “in the scene” for several years, and have attended play parties, bar-b-ques, workshops, retreats, and other educational opportunities, I’ve never been to a “munch”.  A munch is a low-key, informal gathering of like-minded kinksters. There is no overt play at a munch, and the dress code is informal. It’s an opportunity to meet local people in your friendly neighborhood kink community.

For myriad reasons, I have been less inclined to play in public spaces in San Francisco since I moved here about 2 years ago. Partly because I’ve been so busy with graduate school studying sex, who has time to actually participate in a lively sexual subculture as BDSM? So I took one more step into the scene and guess what? It was really nice. The group reserves the back room of a family-style restaurant, where the doors can be closed during the introductions. The people who attended were all very nice to me, and curious as they had not seen me at any events. The first assumption was that I was a newbie… if only they knew! But I squashed that assumption right away and explained I was from Southern California and hadn’t gotten my feet wet up here yet.

To an outsider, or “vanilla person”, it would have looked like just any old meetup group. Only once you listen closely to the conversations do you realize that they are talking about kink. They talked about a variety of past and upcoming events, and invited me to all sorts of functions that I may not have known about online. For instance, there is a decompression party in the city this weekend, and you may just see me there volunteering at the Pampered Pussy Lounge to have my pubes dyed hot pink!

And there’s a pansexual play party Saturday night that I’m considering going to. I’ve been told that the dungeon is really nice and has a homey feeling to it. I like that. I miss that with my previous dungeon — my home away from home — where I had spent many amazing nights exploring my own sexuality. The place where the whole community pitched in to help rebuild when there was a fire in the kitchen. In fact, the only time I have given blood was for a member of this dungeon who I’d never met, because they posted her situation to the yahoo group and I was compelled to help a fellow kinkster. So hearing this dungeon described as “homey” made me happy.

The other topic that kept coming up is a website called fetlife.com. I explained to them that I had created an account a while ago but that I really didn’t quite know where to start. Many of them chimed in and explained the many features of this marvelous website. It’s kind of like Facebook but for kinky people. I may just have to spend some time on there to get the hang of it.

So, it turns out I had nothing to be nervous about and am so happy I pushed through my anxieties to meet some really interesting people.